BDSM Boundaries: How to Create Your First Yes/No/Maybe List (Beginner's Guide)
Before you can communicate your desires to a partner, it's essential to know them yourself. One of our favorite exercises to help straighten out the tangle of fantasies, beliefs, and desires is called "Yes/No/Maybe." Used by sex educators everywhere, it's a powerful way to discover your desires and limits.
Creating Your First List
Step 1: The Big List
Take a big piece of paper and make a list of all the sexual and BDSM activities you can think of, including those you would not choose for yourself. Pay attention to how it feels to write down words for forbidden and exciting acts of pleasure.
Step 2: Three Columns
After completing your comprehensive list, take a regular piece of paper and mark three columns:
YES:
- Activities you know you already like
- Things you clearly want to try
NO:
- Things that are definitely outside your limits at this time
- Activities you do not want to try at all
MAYBE:
- Things you might like to do if it felt safe
- Activities to try when you're turned on enough
- Experiences that require a confident or experienced partner
Step 3: Essential Markings
After completing your list, give yourself time to think. Go back over your YES list and mark with an N those items that you feel you NEED, meaning:
- Without these things, the scene is not worth doing
- Essential elements for your enjoyment
- Non-negotiable aspects of play
Mark the remaining items with a W for WANT - these are the fascinating challenges that constitute the "icing on the cake."
Common NO List Items to Consider
From experienced players, these items frequently appear on NO lists:
- Temporary marks like bruises, welts, or shallow cuts
- Permanent marks like cuts, burns, or tattoos
- Flowing blood of any sort
- Play with bodily fluids
- Play with guns or knives
- Sexual or genital play/penetration
- Unsafe sex practices
- Specific body parts that don't want to be touched or impacted
- Gags or breathing constriction
- Use of intoxicants by top or bottom
- Health-related issues (poor circulation, allergies, joint problems)
- Emotional triggers (like "don't slap my face, it reminds me of my abusive father")
- Emotional limits (like "don't tell me I'm bad," "don't tell me I'm small")
- Hypersensitivities (like tickling, or "don't touch my clit right after I come")
Using Your List
Start with the MAYBE column. Try writing all items on cards and putting them in order from what feels safest to what feels scariest. You may learn something about yourself, and when you're ready for risky exploration, start with the easiest item.
Remember:
- Self-knowledge makes for powerful bottoming
- Powerful bottoming makes for hot play
- Your limits are valid and important
- Lists can help you know and accept your desires and limits
Advanced Organization
For more detailed exploration, try organizing your MAYBE items on separate cards, arranged from safest feeling to scariest. This helps you:
- Understand your progression of comfort
- Plan future explorations
- Communicate clearly with partners about your journey
- Start with activities that feel manageable
Important Notes
Keep in mind that:
- Lists can be revised at any time
- NO items are non-negotiable
- MAYBE items require negotiation and specific conditions
- Your needs (N items) are essential to communicate
- Your wants (W items) help create richer scenes
Remember: Exercises and checklists can help you know and accept your desires and limits. This self-knowledge is crucial for safe, consensual, and enjoyable experiences. Your lists will likely change as you gain experience - this is normal and healthy.
Through this process of self-discovery and honest assessment, you create a foundation for exploring BDSM safely and consensually while honoring your own needs and boundaries.